"Strange things happen in Russia. Like bunny."

RCW: When I was back in Russia a few weeks ago, we go to fancy restaurant in Yakutsk (Siberia, where he is from). Well, was fancy for Yakutsk. While at table I feel something brush against my leg. I look down and see rabbit. It is running around in restaurant, eating crumbs on floor. Employee come over and chase it back outside, but I took picture.

Me: There was a wild rabbit inside the restaurant? What?

RCW: Yes. Big bunny. Was cute.  Strange things happen in Russia. Like bunny.

"...already treated it myself..."

RCW: "I had to go doctor last week. Make sure urinary track infection is gone away.  I wasn't totally sure I took right pills. When I told doctor I thought I had infection, but had already treated it myself, he was very confuse. He says, "What do you mean you already treated it yourself?" I tell him I was pretty sure I knew what was, so I just took the medicine for it. He says, "Where did you get medication from?" I tell him my Russian friends have connections, and is cheaper.  Doctor then flip out. He tell me I can't do that."

I immediately interrupt him at this point. "Wait. You just self-medicated, with like actual medications?"

Another co-worker also then immediately jumps-in. "It's true. Last year I thought I was starting to come down with Strep Throat. The next day he shows up with Penicillin for me. I did NOT take any." 

I respond, "I'm....I'm, just not going to ask any more questions."

"You OPEN them."

I was back in Russia. The don't serve alcohol on airplane, or in airport in Russia, at all. People get too drunk on planes. Cause problems. Only place can buy is alcohol is at "duty free," but not supposed to drink in airport. I complain about this to Russia friends. How am I supposed to drink at airport? They say, "You live in America to long. Any real Russia know what to do."

"What?," I say.

They says, "The bottles from duty free, you OPEN them.”

"Home!"

Russian co-worker was kind of drunk last Halloween. Well, a lot drunk. He was dressed as Salvador Dali. He was trying to get a cab home. 

Driver: What's your destination?
RCW: Home.
Driver: Where is that?
RCW: It's where I live. Duh.
Driver: Where do you live?
RCW: At home. Just take me home.
Driver: What part of the city do you live in?
RCW: Mind your bid'ness! Just take me home!

Taxi drives away. Rest of us are watching this, laughing uncontrollably. We ask the RCW what the hell that was all about. He says, "Sometimes they won't drive to certain part of city. I not want to tell him until inside cab, but he got rude."

"...how much vodka you could drink on driving days."

Me: Wait, you got pulled over for driving on the shoulder of the road, on the wrong side of the street?

Him: I didn't even have much vodka that day. I didn't know the rules in America then, so I just did what we do in Russian. I saw the police lights, pulled over, and got out of my car to see what they wanted. They went crazy on me.

Me: What did you do then?

Him: I say to them, don't be rude.

Me: How did you NOT know it was illegal to drive off the road?!?

Him: No, I didn't know the rules then about how much vodka you could drink on driving days.

"What did Putin do now?"

"Friend send me text this morning. Tells me Russia eliminated from Olympics. He means Hockey team, I think he means ALL Russians. I think, "Oh no, what did Putin do now?"

"She just looked Ukrainian to me"

Him: There is woman in corner. She not look too good.

Me, in response, 35 min later after sending her away in an ambulance, "Didn't look good? You didn't think to mention that she had vomited on herself, the table, the floor, and was passed out?"

Him: Huh? She just looked Ukrainian to me.

"Medicine not expire"

"Medicine not expire in my house. It gets turned into smoothie."

"Soft D, not hard D"

While "teaching" me how to pronounce a Russian word, "No. Must use soft "D" like in "dog," not flat "D" like in "day."

Me: Uhm, those are pronounced the same way.

Him: In Russia it is not like this.

"My vagina smells like flowers."

Me: I learned a new Russian word this weekend.

Him: What?

Me: BLYAT!

Him: That's nice. I just taught my mother to say, "My vagina smells like flowers."

Me: Your mother?!?

Him: Oh, she loved it. She told me to write it down so she could say it to all her mans.

"I am worried."

Him: I'm going back to visit Russia on Tuesday, and I am worried.

Me: Why?

Him: Contacts have not told me which passport I should use.

"Putin himself took down flight"

Stuff he posts on Facebook.

Russian Birthday Presents

"For birthday mother give my jewelry. And illegal tazer."

"Make perfect."

Him: No. It need 1 Swedish fish. Just 1. Then it good tequila shot. Make perfect.

Me: Did you drink it?

Him: Sort of. I dump it into my vodka drink.

"1 Finger."

Him: I can unzip bra with one finger.

Me: That's not too hard.

Other friend: No, he means while wearing it.

"This how we do laundry in Russian village."

(Ok, first watch this video of a contemporary pop hit. All of it. Trust me, it will become relevant. After you have watched video, proceed to below text).

Did you watch the video?

Really? All of it?

What is coming will not be funny unless you have seen all of the video....last chance...

So, tonight that video was on at work. My Russian co-worker says, "Not as good as Russian version." I respond, "There is a Russian version?" He says, "Girl in Russian village made her own version. Here. Let me find." He then shows me this.

Translated, the title of the video is "Our Response to Sanctions." He also added, "This. This how we do laundry in Russian village" (re the river scene in Russian version).

"Those babies be all fucked up."

"I was at boyfriend's house for the Thanksgiving. His aunt or someone was there. They talk to me. They say we adopt Russian baby long time ago, but it not look like you. It is darker, has long hair, and bad attitude. I say let me see picture. They show me picture. I say it does look like some Russian. They make happy. But I know what really happen. They adopt one of those Chernobyl or Chechnyan babies. Guuuurl, those babies be all fucked up."

"Is so dumb."

Tonight at work a few of us were talking about the horrific footage of the TransAsia Airways airplane crash into a river in Taipei, Taiwan. The RCW (Russian Co-Worker) comes over in the middle of the conversation. He looks at us, and then says...

"Is so dumb. Asians can't fly cars. Why they driving planes? Duh." 

And then he walks away. 

 

"look like aneurysm"

The RCW (Russian Co-Worker) has this other Russian friend. She comes by to visit from time to time. She says shit way more out of control than the RCW. All of these comments where made within about 90 min last week.

"I just finish nursing school. I love l blood. Poop and vomit, not so much. But the bloods, I love it."

"I want to be, how you say, anesthesiologost. Is good job. Say to people, "Close eye. Count 10. Go sleep. I not really want talk with you, anyway."

"I maybe also want join Air Force. Be field surgeon. No oversight. I like to amputee people. Not everyone. Just a few. Is fun."

"My mother, she tell me how to kill person and get away with it. When they sleeping, pour boiling water down ear. It look like aneurysm. I not tested it yet."

“I love my homeland, and will never try to become rid of my Russian accent. Fuck America. People here are so dumb, and fat.”

“My mother use to pick mushrooms near this fence as child. She often heard gunfire. People told her it was military practice area. There is museum there now. Is where they use to execute people.”

"My boyfriend is away this weekend. I want to cheating fucking tonight. Maybe with woman. I not know."

Dumb drunk dude starts talking to her at bar. She basically goes Borat on him. He asks where she is from, because "I can tell you are a foreigner by your accent." She has a very thick Russian accent (see comment above).  She yells "JAMAICA" at him. He says, "I thought Jamaicas were black." She says, "racist!", and walks away.