First things First

"I hate that light-headed feeling that cigarettes give me. That is why, when first get up in morning, I always start drinking before smoking."

(I start laughing uncontrollably)

"No. Wait. That not come out right." 

"Is big and strong"

Non-Russian Co-Worker to Russian Co-Worker: You are starting to get a little bit fat. 

Russian: Is not fat, but I know what it is.

Non-Russian: It's not fat?!

Russian: No. Is not fat. Is something else. 

Non-Russian: Then what is it?

Russian: Is liver. I have large liver. Is from vodka. Make it big and strong like other muscle.

“Oh, I thought you look familiar.”

“I am on vacation in New Orleans. We go bar. I have drinks. I have one-night stand with person. In morning I leave. I have no idea where hotel is. I wander around a bit. Later, I see guy on road. I go up to him and say,

“Excuse me, Sir…You know where Bourbon Street is?” 

Guy look little confuse, then he say, “Yeah, is one block that way. But you know…we…we just spent the night together, right?”

I say, “Oh, I thought you look little bit familiar.”

I had lot to drink that night. Maybe little too much.”

"Killbook"

Upon seeing my German flash cards at work:

Him: What is that? Your nazi kill book?

Me: killbook? What?

Him: I don't know. I just made that up. 

"Is only four."

Me: So, which passport are you bringing (back to Russia on trip last summer)?

Him: All five.

Next day: Ok. I lied. Is only four. Here is picture.

Me: Is this for real?! How...why...why do you need FOUR passports?!? Are they even all in your name?!?

Him: Is real. Two in my name. One to get in country. One one to travel around country. Other to open Russian credit card. That not in my name.  Last one, eh, just in case others not work."

Me: I...I'm...not going to ask.

"Just tip."

Him: When I was 12, I go outside. Was cold. I forget scarf, and couldn't cover nose up. When get to school, nose tip is all white. When that happens must rub palm of hand, in fast circles, on nose tip, to make warm again. I did this. But, skin later turn black. Few days after, nose fall off.

Me: WHAT!?! Your whole nose fell off?!?

Him: No. Just tip.

"I need to go Free Will"

Him: Next week I need to go Free Will.

Me: What?

Him: I need to buy things at Free Will.

Other Co-Worker: You mean Good Will?

Him: Yes. This. Good Will.

"What is that scent..."

Patron: Oh, you smell good. What is that scent you are wearing.

Him: Alcohol.

"Duh. Is vodka."

Him: One time we go land skiing (he meant cross-country) in high school. I have bottle of vodka in backpack. After while we stop. Vodka had frozen. We try to figure out to get drunk. We decide to break bottle. After we eat chips of frozen vodka.*

Other Co-Worker: Did it work? Did you get drunk off it?

Russian Co-Worker. Duh. Is vodka.

*He is from Siberia. During the winter temps actually go down to like -50/-60 F...cold enough to freeze booze. 

"We do this in Russia"

About 2-3 years ago some friends went to Backbar in Union Sq. The following day I asked them how it was. One of them described this insane cocktail. Whiskey, whipped egg whites, Amaretto, orange bitters, and then the really dramatic part; the bar tender took a stick of cinnamon, and light it on fire. He let it burn for a bit, and then blew it out. Next, he held an upside-down pint glass over the cinnamon stick, and captured the rising smoke inside it. He then used this pint glass, as shaker with the rest of the drink’s ingredients, to infuse the smoked cinnamon flavor into the drink. Sounds pretty good. Apparently he had won some national(??) Amaretto-sponsored contest a few weeks beforehand with this drink.

A few days later I am at work. I am harassing the Russian co-worker about not being a “real” bartender, and I tell him about the drink mentioned above. When I am done with this story, he responds, “This is nothing. We do this in Russia with Parliament cigarette, styrofoam cup, and vodka.”

Driving, Part III

(Driving, Part III):

Him: If visit home in winter must drive like 8 hours after get off plane. If visit in summer, must drive about 24 hours.

Me: That makes no sense.

Him: Make perfect sense. If summer must go long way. In winter can just drive straight up frozen river. Is better than roads.

Driving, Part II

(Driving, Part II)

Him: I'm trying to get driver's license. RMV wants my driving record, and what class of license I have in Russia. I have open class. Says I can operate anything. My father works for government, so they just give me open class. Can drive anything. I could drive helicopter if wanted.

Me: You can fly a helicopter?!?

Him: Hell No. I can hardly even drive car. But I have license to fly helicopter in Russia.

Driving, Part I

(Driving, Part I):

Him: In high school we have to take driving school. Learn how to drive. We all get in car with instructor. We take turns driving. This was in winter. Snow was on ground. When it come my turn to drive, car driving weird. Then front wheel fall off the car.

Me: Wait, the entire front wheel...it just came...off?

Him: Yes. We see tire roll down road a bit in front of us. Instructor then teach us how drive in snow, with only three wheel. Must drive backwards. So, we all take turns driving backwards back to school.

Me: What happen to the tire?

Him: Instructor make student he not like very much carry back to school. Was about half mile.

"African ham"

"When I go food store, I get carriage. I walk around store. I see what other people have in their carriage that looks good. When they not looking, I take it out of their carriage and put in mine.

"This how I have first African ham."

"Wizard of Communist Oz"

Him: This dumb person was giving me present. She bring in book. Russian cooking. I'm Russian. I know how to cook Russian. Before that she give me this Wizard of Oz thing. I don't know.

Me: You don't have Wizard of Oz in Russia?

Him: We do. It Russian version. Wizard of Communist Oz.

'I take two."

"When I go back to Russia I had anxiety. Doctor give me anxiety pills. I take one. It do nothing. Next time I take two. I wake up on bathroom floor."

"Nice...Teeth."

Manger (and best friends with the Russian): Can you not roll your eyes at people when they order drinks? This is a service industry. We are supposed to be pleasant to our patrons, or at least not rude to them.

Russian. Ok. I'll be pleasant.

Next Customer: Can I have a Long Island?

Russian: Long Island? Ok. I can do this. Oh, and you have really nice....(very long awkward silence)...teeth.

Manager (instantly): Ok, stop. Just stop. This isn't going to work.

"Waffle Mate"

Shit My Russian Co-Worker Says (I'm at his house right now):

Him: You want milk with coffee? I have coffee mate, too.
Me: What flavor?
Him: Waffles.
Me: What?
Him: It has waffles on picture.