"...how much vodka you could drink on driving days."

Me: Wait, you got pulled over for driving on the shoulder of the road, on the wrong side of the street?

Him: I didn't even have much vodka that day. I didn't know the rules in America then, so I just did what we do in Russian. I saw the police lights, pulled over, and got out of my car to see what they wanted. They went crazy on me.

Me: What did you do then?

Him: I say to them, don't be rude.

Me: How did you NOT know it was illegal to drive off the road?!?

Him: No, I didn't know the rules then about how much vodka you could drink on driving days.

"What did Putin do now?"

"Friend send me text this morning. Tells me Russia eliminated from Olympics. He means Hockey team, I think he means ALL Russians. I think, "Oh no, what did Putin do now?"

"She just looked Ukrainian to me"

Him: There is woman in corner. She not look too good.

Me, in response, 35 min later after sending her away in an ambulance, "Didn't look good? You didn't think to mention that she had vomited on herself, the table, the floor, and was passed out?"

Him: Huh? She just looked Ukrainian to me.

"Medicine not expire"

"Medicine not expire in my house. It gets turned into smoothie."

"Soft D, not hard D"

While "teaching" me how to pronounce a Russian word, "No. Must use soft "D" like in "dog," not flat "D" like in "day."

Me: Uhm, those are pronounced the same way.

Him: In Russia it is not like this.

"My vagina smells like flowers."

Me: I learned a new Russian word this weekend.

Him: What?

Me: BLYAT!

Him: That's nice. I just taught my mother to say, "My vagina smells like flowers."

Me: Your mother?!?

Him: Oh, she loved it. She told me to write it down so she could say it to all her mans.

"I am worried."

Him: I'm going back to visit Russia on Tuesday, and I am worried.

Me: Why?

Him: Contacts have not told me which passport I should use.

"Putin himself took down flight"

Stuff he posts on Facebook.

Russian Birthday Presents

"For birthday mother give my jewelry. And illegal tazer."

"Make perfect."

Him: No. It need 1 Swedish fish. Just 1. Then it good tequila shot. Make perfect.

Me: Did you drink it?

Him: Sort of. I dump it into my vodka drink.

"1 Finger."

Him: I can unzip bra with one finger.

Me: That's not too hard.

Other friend: No, he means while wearing it.

"This how we do laundry in Russian village."

(Ok, first watch this video of a contemporary pop hit. All of it. Trust me, it will become relevant. After you have watched video, proceed to below text).

Did you watch the video?

Really? All of it?

What is coming will not be funny unless you have seen all of the video....last chance...

So, tonight that video was on at work. My Russian co-worker says, "Not as good as Russian version." I respond, "There is a Russian version?" He says, "Girl in Russian village made her own version. Here. Let me find." He then shows me this.

Translated, the title of the video is "Our Response to Sanctions." He also added, "This. This how we do laundry in Russian village" (re the river scene in Russian version).

"Those babies be all fucked up."

"I was at boyfriend's house for the Thanksgiving. His aunt or someone was there. They talk to me. They say we adopt Russian baby long time ago, but it not look like you. It is darker, has long hair, and bad attitude. I say let me see picture. They show me picture. I say it does look like some Russian. They make happy. But I know what really happen. They adopt one of those Chernobyl or Chechnyan babies. Guuuurl, those babies be all fucked up."

"Is so dumb."

Tonight at work a few of us were talking about the horrific footage of the TransAsia Airways airplane crash into a river in Taipei, Taiwan. The RCW (Russian Co-Worker) comes over in the middle of the conversation. He looks at us, and then says...

"Is so dumb. Asians can't fly cars. Why they driving planes? Duh." 

And then he walks away.