"...how much vodka you could drink on driving days."

Me: Wait, you got pulled over for driving on the shoulder of the road, on the wrong side of the street?

Him: I didn't even have much vodka that day. I didn't know the rules in America then, so I just did what we do in Russian. I saw the police lights, pulled over, and got out of my car to see what they wanted. They went crazy on me.

Me: What did you do then?

Him: I say to them, don't be rude.

Me: How did you NOT know it was illegal to drive off the road?!?

Him: No, I didn't know the rules then about how much vodka you could drink on driving days.

"What did Putin do now?"

"Friend send me text this morning. Tells me Russia eliminated from Olympics. He means Hockey team, I think he means ALL Russians. I think, "Oh no, what did Putin do now?"

"She just looked Ukrainian to me"

Him: There is woman in corner. She not look too good.

Me, in response, 35 min later after sending her away in an ambulance, "Didn't look good? You didn't think to mention that she had vomited on herself, the table, the floor, and was passed out?"

Him: Huh? She just looked Ukrainian to me.

"Medicine not expire"

"Medicine not expire in my house. It gets turned into smoothie."

"Soft D, not hard D"

While "teaching" me how to pronounce a Russian word, "No. Must use soft "D" like in "dog," not flat "D" like in "day."

Me: Uhm, those are pronounced the same way.

Him: In Russia it is not like this.

"My vagina smells like flowers."

Me: I learned a new Russian word this weekend.

Him: What?

Me: BLYAT!

Him: That's nice. I just taught my mother to say, "My vagina smells like flowers."

Me: Your mother?!?

Him: Oh, she loved it. She told me to write it down so she could say it to all her mans.

"I am worried."

Him: I'm going back to visit Russia on Tuesday, and I am worried.

Me: Why?

Him: Contacts have not told me which passport I should use.