"look like aneurysm"

The RCW (Russian Co-Worker) has this other Russian friend. She comes by to visit from time to time. She says shit way more out of control than the RCW. All of these comments where made within about 90 min last week.

"I just finish nursing school. I love l blood. Poop and vomit, not so much. But the bloods, I love it."

"I want to be, how you say, anesthesiologost. Is good job. Say to people, "Close eye. Count 10. Go sleep. I not really want talk with you, anyway."

"I maybe also want join Air Force. Be field surgeon. No oversight. I like to amputee people. Not everyone. Just a few. Is fun."

"My mother, she tell me how to kill person and get away with it. When they sleeping, pour boiling water down ear. It look like aneurysm. I not tested it yet."

“I love my homeland, and will never try to become rid of my Russian accent. Fuck America. People here are so dumb, and fat.”

“My mother use to pick mushrooms near this fence as child. She often heard gunfire. People told her it was military practice area. There is museum there now. Is where they use to execute people.”

"My boyfriend is away this weekend. I want to cheating fucking tonight. Maybe with woman. I not know."

Dumb drunk dude starts talking to her at bar. She basically goes Borat on him. He asks where she is from, because "I can tell you are a foreigner by your accent." She has a very thick Russian accent (see comment above).  She yells "JAMAICA" at him. He says, "I thought Jamaicas were black." She says, "racist!", and walks away.

First things First

"I hate that light-headed feeling that cigarettes give me. That is why, when first get up in morning, I always start drinking before smoking."

(I start laughing uncontrollably)

"No. Wait. That not come out right." 

"Is big and strong"

Non-Russian Co-Worker to Russian Co-Worker: You are starting to get a little bit fat. 

Russian: Is not fat, but I know what it is.

Non-Russian: It's not fat?!

Russian: No. Is not fat. Is something else. 

Non-Russian: Then what is it?

Russian: Is liver. I have large liver. Is from vodka. Make it big and strong like other muscle.

“Oh, I thought you look familiar.”

“I am on vacation in New Orleans. We go bar. I have drinks. I have one-night stand with person. In morning I leave. I have no idea where hotel is. I wander around a bit. Later, I see guy on road. I go up to him and say,

“Excuse me, Sir…You know where Bourbon Street is?” 

Guy look little confuse, then he say, “Yeah, is one block that way. But you know…we…we just spent the night together, right?”

I say, “Oh, I thought you look little bit familiar.”

I had lot to drink that night. Maybe little too much.”

"Killbook"

Upon seeing my German flash cards at work:

Him: What is that? Your nazi kill book?

Me: killbook? What?

Him: I don't know. I just made that up. 

"Is only four."

Me: So, which passport are you bringing (back to Russia on trip last summer)?

Him: All five.

Next day: Ok. I lied. Is only four. Here is picture.

Me: Is this for real?! How...why...why do you need FOUR passports?!? Are they even all in your name?!?

Him: Is real. Two in my name. One to get in country. One one to travel around country. Other to open Russian credit card. That not in my name.  Last one, eh, just in case others not work."

Me: I...I'm...not going to ask.

"Just tip."

Him: When I was 12, I go outside. Was cold. I forget scarf, and couldn't cover nose up. When get to school, nose tip is all white. When that happens must rub palm of hand, in fast circles, on nose tip, to make warm again. I did this. But, skin later turn black. Few days after, nose fall off.

Me: WHAT!?! Your whole nose fell off?!?

Him: No. Just tip.