"Sometimes real fire fighter have to come"

"As kid we light building, and other things, on fire. Was so we could play fire fighter. Need fire to be fire fighter. Sometimes real fire fighter have to come.”

"Watch My Purse."

Last night after the bar closed, and all the patrons were gone, staff was hanging out having a drink. The Russian Co-Worker and I were talking. Then he pushes his drink towards me, and says, "Watch my purse. I must use toilet."

BAC

We had a "TIPS" training at work today (a skills-based training program that is designed to prevent intoxication, underage drinking, and drunk driving).

The facilitator asked if anyone knew what BAC (blood alcohol content) stood for.

The Russian Co-Worker said, "Yes. Is blood alcohol contest."

"Sandwich bread"

Patron: I would like a chicken sandwich.

RCW: What type bread?

Patron: What do you have?

RCW: Uhm. Multigrain...and sandwich bread.

Patron: Sandwich bread?

RCW: Yeah, like bread, for sandwiches.

Patron: I'll take multigrain.

"Just give me pill."

"I went to eye doctor other day. She say I have some condition or something, and that I need glasses. I ask her if she can just give me pill. She said this not how eyeballs work."

"Then day go missing."

"Yesterday was not good. I get up early. I plan on going to gym, do some errands, and have productive day. Then I take vitamins, but I make boo-boo. I mistook vitamins for other pills. Instead I take Trazodone and Melatonin pill. Then day go missing."

"Ugh. I just remember I have to drink tonight."

"Ugh. I just remember I have to drink tonight."

-Said with serious resignation, when the RCW remembered he was supposed to go out drinking with someone later in the night. There was drink in front of him when he said this. It was his third. I guess he hadn't "started" yet.

Salad Grow in Earth

RCW: This stupid lady order a salad. Then she complain because she find piece of Earth in it. I'm like, duh, it salad. Salad grows in the Earth, so it might have a piece of Earth in it sometimes."

Me: You mean, like, dirt?

RCW: Yes. A piece of Earth.

"Fiffen"

RCW: How do you spell fifteen? Is there an -ing on the end?

Me: What?

RCW: Fifteen. How do spell it?

Me: Just like fourteen, and sixteen, but with a five.

RCW: I need to google it....oh, right.

Other Co-Worker: He spelled it "fiffin."

"Strange things happen in Russia. Like bunny."

RCW: When I was back in Russia a few weeks ago, we go to fancy restaurant in Yakutsk (Siberia, where he is from). Well, was fancy for Yakutsk. While at table I feel something brush against my leg. I look down and see rabbit. It is running around in restaurant, eating crumbs on floor. Employee come over and chase it back outside, but I took picture.

Me: There was a wild rabbit inside the restaurant? What?

RCW: Yes. Big bunny. Was cute.  Strange things happen in Russia. Like bunny.

"...already treated it myself..."

RCW: "I had to go doctor last week. Make sure urinary track infection is gone away.  I wasn't totally sure I took right pills. When I told doctor I thought I had infection, but had already treated it myself, he was very confuse. He says, "What do you mean you already treated it yourself?" I tell him I was pretty sure I knew what was, so I just took the medicine for it. He says, "Where did you get medication from?" I tell him my Russian friends have connections, and is cheaper.  Doctor then flip out. He tell me I can't do that."

I immediately interrupt him at this point. "Wait. You just self-medicated, with like actual medications?"

Another co-worker also then immediately jumps-in. "It's true. Last year I thought I was starting to come down with Strep Throat. The next day he shows up with Penicillin for me. I did NOT take any." 

I respond, "I'm....I'm, just not going to ask any more questions."

"You OPEN them."

I was back in Russia. The don't serve alcohol on airplane, or in airport in Russia, at all. People get too drunk on planes. Cause problems. Only place can buy is alcohol is at "duty free," but not supposed to drink in airport. I complain about this to Russia friends. How am I supposed to drink at airport? They say, "You live in America to long. Any real Russia know what to do."

"What?," I say.

They says, "The bottles from duty free, you OPEN them.”

"Home!"

Russian co-worker was kind of drunk last Halloween. Well, a lot drunk. He was dressed as Salvador Dali. He was trying to get a cab home. 

Driver: What's your destination?
RCW: Home.
Driver: Where is that?
RCW: It's where I live. Duh.
Driver: Where do you live?
RCW: At home. Just take me home.
Driver: What part of the city do you live in?
RCW: Mind your bid'ness! Just take me home!

Taxi drives away. Rest of us are watching this, laughing uncontrollably. We ask the RCW what the hell that was all about. He says, "Sometimes they won't drive to certain part of city. I not want to tell him until inside cab, but he got rude."

"...how much vodka you could drink on driving days."

Me: Wait, you got pulled over for driving on the shoulder of the road, on the wrong side of the street?

Him: I didn't even have much vodka that day. I didn't know the rules in America then, so I just did what we do in Russian. I saw the police lights, pulled over, and got out of my car to see what they wanted. They went crazy on me.

Me: What did you do then?

Him: I say to them, don't be rude.

Me: How did you NOT know it was illegal to drive off the road?!?

Him: No, I didn't know the rules then about how much vodka you could drink on driving days.

"What did Putin do now?"

"Friend send me text this morning. Tells me Russia eliminated from Olympics. He means Hockey team, I think he means ALL Russians. I think, "Oh no, what did Putin do now?"

"She just looked Ukrainian to me"

Him: There is woman in corner. She not look too good.

Me, in response, 35 min later after sending her away in an ambulance, "Didn't look good? You didn't think to mention that she had vomited on herself, the table, the floor, and was passed out?"

Him: Huh? She just looked Ukrainian to me.

"Medicine not expire"

"Medicine not expire in my house. It gets turned into smoothie."

"Soft D, not hard D"

While "teaching" me how to pronounce a Russian word, "No. Must use soft "D" like in "dog," not flat "D" like in "day."

Me: Uhm, those are pronounced the same way.

Him: In Russia it is not like this.

"My vagina smells like flowers."

Me: I learned a new Russian word this weekend.

Him: What?

Me: BLYAT!

Him: That's nice. I just taught my mother to say, "My vagina smells like flowers."

Me: Your mother?!?

Him: Oh, she loved it. She told me to write it down so she could say it to all her mans.

"I am worried."

Him: I'm going back to visit Russia on Tuesday, and I am worried.

Me: Why?

Him: Contacts have not told me which passport I should use.